Does going out with friends ever turn into a Bible study on how to land the perfect spouse?
Do you get an anxiety attack before holiday parties, wondering what answer you’ll give to the world’s most annoying question again this year? “So when are you getting married?”
Have you noticed your blaringly labeled, “Singles” Sunday school class ought to have a revolving door on it because it seems that good Christians just don’t stay single long?
Have you ever sat through an event where you were literally the only uncoupled person there?
If you answered yes to any of the questions above then you, along with myself, are part of a fun little club known as “Single Christians.”
Now single Christians is a really different kind of club than regular singles. When non-Christians use the word single it connotates freedom. But when Christians use the word single it connotates something very different.
The term single Christian is synonymous with not yet complete, waiting, and as we get older and still remain uncoupled, it is also synonymous with pity in a lot of cases.
There are also different classifications of single Christians. There are Single, single Christians as in you’ve never been married or had children. There are single parent Christians, as in you have a child or children but you’ve never been married. There are divorced single Christians, you are divorced with no children, widowed Christians, and then there are divorced single parent Christians, self- explanatory.
My observations of churches have led me to believe that Single, single Christians and single parent Christians get a lot of attention, and advice. Often unwanted advice on how they could land a spouse and what they should be doing while they are “waiting.” The problem with a lot of the attention and advice that is given, though, is that it all points to one blaring belief which most churches hold onto tightly.
That belief is the idea that a Christian is not a fully developed part of the church until they are married. So, a single person, no matter how old they are, is treated differently, given different kinds of responsibilities, and at times blatantly left out of church activities.
The other three categories of single Christians seem to get treated with a mix of sympathy and quiet fear. It’s almost as if people feel sorry for us, sincerely they do, but maybe they are also scared of us a little bit too, like maybe there is this sneaky little fear that perhaps divorce or death is contagious.
My personal experience is, that during your initial tragedy of your split or loss of a spouse, people are very understanding and really want to listen and minister. But if you stay single for long after, which few people do, it becomes more and more uncomfortable to discuss the struggles of being alone with people who are not.
The comforting words are replaced with awkward silences, because honestly, they don’t know what to say. If you think about it, you can’t really blame them for being a little scared. A divorced Christian or a widowed Christian is like the walking embodiment of other Christian’s worst fears.
Regardless of what category you might be in, we can all agree that as a single Christian, there are times when other Christians, no matter how well-meaning, just can’t comfort us. What do we do then? Well, that’s when we turn to the one that, “sticketh closer than a brother,” Proverbs 18:24. We run to the one who says, “Come unto me, all ye that labour and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest,” Matthew 11:28.
Our good God has provided the wisdom and comfort that we need in His word.
The Pointed Deception
Even if you are at peace with being single, our society, and often our churches, are very focused on coupling. There is much said in the word of God about marriage because it was instituted by God as a means to populate the earth as well as to provide the most efficient framework for humans to operate together in a society. I’m certainly not here to bash marriage.
What I would like to address, though, is the pointed deception that you can only be okay if you are married, or engaged to be married, or dating someone with the intent of getting engaged so that you can get married eventually. It’s true, single people are the minority in every church. We are pretty much the minority everywhere, except maybe in a singles group.
The very nature of being in a minority group of any kind lends itself to start thinking, “Hey, is something wrong with me? I’m different from everyone else.” This is very normal to feel, but the important thing is that we filter this feeling through truth. Our source of truth is always the scriptures. The Bible might have plenty to say about marriage, but it also has something to say about being single.
For I would that all men were even as I myself. But every man hath his proper gift of God, one after this manner, and another after that. I say therefore to the unmarried and widows, it is good for them if they abide even as I. – 1 Corinthians 7:7-8
1 Corinthians 7 deals with relationships, but when Paul gets down to verse 7, he takes it down to a very personal level. He was himself single, and he very plainly advocates for single Christians here. In context of the entire chapter he is certainly not outlawing marriage, but rather to say, we all have a gift, what we are capable of handling. If you’re single, that’s okay. He has more to say about single Christians in verse 32, “But I would have you without carefulness. He that is unmarried careth for the things that belong to the Lord, how he may please the Lord.”
The single Christian is in a unique position to focus their time and attention more fully on the things of God, but more about that later.
The point here is that scripturally speaking, being single is not a disease and it is not a developmental delay in your spiritual or practical life. Anyone who treats you as such is outside of scripture.
The Apostle Paul was single and encouraged other single Christians. You are not incomplete. You are not half a Christian. Do not believe the misconception that others have about you.
The Practical Difficulties
Don’t get me wrong, just because Paul devotes a few verses in 1 Corinthians 7 to singleness, does not mean that it is the easiest, most pleasant path. For many people being single is a real struggle. The truth is there are many people who are very much at peace with being single, but there are also very many people who are not.
And if we will be really honest, some of us flip back and forth between being cool with our singleness and being a total pitiful mess over it. No wonder our coupled friends don’t know what to say to us half the time. Some days I don’t know what to say to me either.
For those who are very adamantly not a fan of being single, a word of warning. It is important to remember that you are where you are for a purpose. You may not be able to see that purpose clearly at all right now, but God does have a purpose.
Isaiah 55:8-9 For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways, saith the Lord.9 For as the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways, and my thoughts than your thoughts
We can bring great peace into our lives when we surrender to the Sovereignty of God. There is great danger when we let our discomfort over being single rule our emotions and decision making. In fact loneliness is one of the most popular reasons people hop into bad relationships.
They would rather be even with the second best than be alone. This is not pleasing to God. God does have the best in mind for you. He either has the best partner in mind or the best single life in mind for you. Your job is to patiently, prayerfully get in touch with God’s plan. If loneliness is your motivation you will almost always make the wrong move.
Aside from the loneliness there are other practical difficulties that come along with being single. Simply handling life on your own can get overwhelming. Finances, house work and maintenance, car maintenance, bills, logistics of children and a myriad other things that go into running a life each day can get downright insane when you are managing it all alone.
I’ve known single people who weren’t even that lonely but got re-married just so that they wouldn’t have to deal with the logistics of life alone. Again, this is not a good motivation. Here is something to remember, there is not a law that says only a spouse can help you with stuff like that. Building up your support system is a very important part of surviving as a single Christian.
Two are better than one; because they have a good reward for their labour.10 For if they fall, the one will lift up his fellow: but woe to him that is alone when he falleth; for he hath not another to help him up. – Ecclesiastes 4:9-10
If you need help with house maintenance, and you have a handy friend ask them to help you out. Are the kids schedules all over the place? See if a family member would be willing to pitch in. It might feel awkward at first, but there are ways you can make it worthwhile.
Team up with other singles to help each other out. If people offer to help you with stuff, let them. You do not have to do everything alone. If you are struggling ask for help.
The Personal Disappointment
For many single Christians, we view our singleness as a failure of some kind. This is especially true for divorced individuals, but also in some cases for singles who have never been married. Our society feeds us a lie from the time we are little children which tells us that if you are not securely coupled with another person by a certain age then you are defective in some way. Few people realize that there is a lot of guilt that comes along with being single.
If you are experiencing disappointment like this, it is important to remember that our identity is not based on another person. Our identity and security cannot be based on a relationship to another human. Our identity is in Christ.
But as many as received him, to them gave he power to become the sons of God, even to them that believe on his name – John 1:12
Read that verse again, really slowly. We are the children of God. You have already been made complete in God. There are obviously many wonderful blessings that result from a godly relationship with a spouse or significant other, but realizing your security and identity is not one of them.
In fact, if you have been waiting for a relationship to complete you, you are exactly the person who is not ready for a healthy relationship.
Your identity is in Christ. Your security is in Christ. Once you get a real grip on that, then God will start revealing to you His ultimate will concerning other things like relationships.
If God has not chosen to open those doors for you yet, then take that as a sign to continue using this time to work on your spiritual life and building your confidence in your identity in Christ. You will be amazed at how your confidence in all areas of your life soars when you finally get it through your head, “Hey, I’m not waiting on anything else to happen to complete me. I am complet. I am whole in Christ this very moment.”
The Providential Direction
If you have been in church for any amount of time, you have heard plenty about God’s plans. We have a head knowledge about God having a plan for us, but do we really take that seriously? Deep down do you really believe that God already has a plan in place for you?
The most frustrating thing about being single is this feeling in the back of your mind that you need to do something. You need to make something happen. You need to join this group. You need to sign up for this dating app. You need to snag a mate.
Here is a comforting truth. If God already has a plan in place, if God already knows the outcome of your relationship status, if God is truly in charge, there is nothing for you to do. Who is the pilot here? You or God?
If you really believe that God is the pilot, then just stop. Stop trying. Stop worrying. Stop believing the lie that you must be coupled in order to be happy or normal. Just stop. Your reality in this moment is that you are single. You are not in a relationship.
Can you just be in this reality? Can you just accept where you are? God has you right here for a reason. When you stop fighting your reality, the Holy Spirit will start revealing to you what that reason is, or if he doesn’t, God will at least give you peace to accept what is right now. You want to know God’s plan? You want to know God’s will for your life? Here is God’s plan for your life right now, this moment, today:
Not that I speak in respect of want: for I have learned, in whatsoever state I am, therewith to be content. – Philippians 4:11
33 But seek ye first the kingdom of God, and his righteousness; and all these things shall be added unto you.34 Take therefore no thought for the morrow: for the morrow shall take thought for the things of itself. Sufficient unto the day is the evil thereof. – Matthew 6:33-34
God’s will is not found in a person. It is found in a state of mind. It is found in surrender to now. It is found in submitting our raging hearts into quiet contentment with where God has us right now. You only need to live this moment. God does not require you to figure out the next decade, or year, or even month.
Read Matthew 6:34 above. “Take no thought for the morrow.” Those are the words of Jesus. That is how our Savior said to live. Day by day, even moment by moment. You only need to live this moment well, this day well.
How many moments, how many days have we wasted wishing we were somewhere else, with someone else, living some different life? There is nothing more wasteful than wished away days. You are here for a purpose. You are supposed to be accomplishing something for the kingdom of God.
Have you bought into the lie that you are only really useful if you are married? Have you swallowed down the deception that only married people count? This society of ours has poisoned us with many lies, but the word of God washes away such diluted thinking.
Your singleness is part of God’s divine plan for you. I know it might be hard to accept that truth, but the sooner you accept it, the sooner you will be free from the lies, disappointment, and discouragement that Satan is trying to entangle you in.
Conclusion
Our good God has a purpose for all of His children. God does not put His purposes for you on hold because you are single. It does not matter if you have never been married, if you are divorced or widowed.
Identify the Pointed Deception in our society, even in our churches, that tell us we are only okay if we are married. Deal with the Practical Difficulties with strength and creativity. Yes, single life is more demanding in some ways practically, but we can do all things through Christ which strengthens us.
Let Christ heal your Personal Disappointment. You are here. You are single, but you are not damaged beyond repair. You have nothing to be ashamed of. And last of all submit to God’s Providential Direction. You are not here by accident. Your singleness is part of God’s divine plan for you.